Let me preface this by saying that I am no relationship expert. This is simply just my advice based on my own personal experiences in dating. So if you are looking for statistics and graphs, then this blog post is not for you. I will be breaking down some advice for you in numbered sections.
So let’s picture a scenario here. You meet a great person. You two begin dating. They win you a stuffed animal at the carnival. They take you out to nice dinners on occasion. You two have a romantic picnic at the park. You have butterflies. You are excited. Every text and call from them makes your heart smile. And one day, you both say that you love each other.
Eventually, that honeymoon stage ends and you have to start talking about more serious matters. Like is this relationship going to work long term? What are their goals compared to my goals? Is there a future here? Should we move in together? Do they want marriage? Do they want kids? And most importantly am I happy?
So you ask each other those important questions: Could be a few months in or it could be a few years-depending on the maturity timeline. But no matter what part of a relationship you are in, it is important not to forget yourself. At any stage of a relationship, it is easy to get swept up in everything involving the person you are with. Today, I’m going to give you advice on how NOT to forget about yourself in a relationship.
- Friends and Family are ALWAYS Important
No matter how long you have been in a relationship, don’t shut out your friends/family (unless they are toxic of course). Personally, I typically make plans with friends and family a few weeks ahead of time to make sure I see them on a regular basis. Having girl time is always nice for me. And when you have been friends with someone for a long time, you can talk about old memories that you have together. Or if you are really close with people, you can bring up inside jokes while you are hanging out for a good laugh.
Typically, you are friends with someone because you originally had something in common. Maybe you both love reading historical fiction books, watching a specific team in football together, playing board games, dancing, writing, watching classic movies, painting, playing guitar, etc. Whatever it is you have in common, it’s a part of what makes you, you. And when you hang out with those friends, you are connecting with a part of yourself that you may not connect with when you are with your partner.
Additionally, in a lot of cases (but not all), if you are close with your family, they are an extension of who you are. They know all of your embarrassing childhood stories. From tripping in front of a group of people, to wearing an umbrella hat they know all your embarrassing secrets. These are people that will always keep things 100% real with you. Personally, my sister (also one of my best friends) always keeps things 100% real with me. If I ask her how I look, she’s going to tell me the truth. The point is, you need this kind of honesty in your life. Your partner may not give you that brutal honesty when you ask how you look.
- Interests/Hobbies
Whatever your interests are, don’t forget them just because you are in a relationship. You have to cut out the time to continue to pursue your interests/hobbies. Just because your relationship is going well doesn’t mean that you forget about the things that made them fall in love with you in the first place. For example, Erich and I live together now. But we still take time to continue our hobbies. I still block out time to write and he still blocks out time to read books. The point is, you have to continue to do the hobbies that you enjoyed before you met.Those interests are a part of who you are.
Even if there are hobbies that you and your significant other enjoy doing together, you should still block out time to pursue some hobbies on your own. Having something for just you helps you reconnect with yourself. Maybe it’s gardening, learning an instrument, working out, cooking, but whatever it is, don’t stop just because you are in a relationship.
- Time Alone is Healthy
No matter how much you love someone, it is healthy to spend time away from them. Is it tougher to do that with the quarantine going on? Yes, definitely. But is it still doable? Yes, one hundred percent. As long as you live in a place that has more than one room (and I’m not even referring to two bedrooms) you can do this. One of you can hang out in the living room while the other hangs out in the bedroom and vice versa. Even if it means watching a show in your bedroom while the other person is watching a different show in the living room. This time alone is important and may even give you a chance to miss each other.
For example, Erich will read a book on our back patio while I workout in the other room for an hour. Or I’ll watch a show in the bedroom while Erich plays a video game in the living room. We try to spend at least an hour or two apart on any given day, especially given the quarantine circumstances. This is healthy, especially if you feel like you are getting on each other’s nerves. Which I know, a lot of couples right now are struggling with during the quarantine.
- Do What Makes You Happy
Although this should be obvious, it should still be noted. You and your partner are not always going to have the same interests. You may not always enjoy the same things in your spare time. Of course one of you will compromise and watch the other one’s favorite show. Or listen to the other person’s music. You should do this on occasion with your partner. Relationships are made of compromises. But I’m going to be real with you: You DON’T have to do this all the time. It’s okay to want to do something that simply makes you happy without having to compromise.
For example, if you want to listen to your favorite podcast, do it. If you want to go sit outside and get a tan, do it. If you want to take a bubble bath and listen to spa music, do it. This is self care. You are allowed to do what makes you happy and you shouldn’t have to apologize for it. You DON’T have to give up these things just because you are in a relationship. And any significant other that is going to make you feel guilty for doing what you love, isn’t the person you should be with in the long term. Chances are your significant other also has things that they enjoy doing too. So take an hour or two and both do things you love alone. It’s healthy, I promise.
- Accept and Love Yourself
Some people assume that this ends once you get into a relationship. “Oh I loved myself before this relationship and now someone loves me so I’m good.” But the truth is, loving yourself is a process, and it NEVER stops. You have to keep doing it, everyday. Just because you are in a good relationship, doesn’t mean you give up on yourself. Do what makes you feel good. Whether it’s working out, wearing a dress/suit, doing your makeup or hair, drinking more water or taking a bath. You have to take care of yourself on a regular basis. That never stops.
Are you going to have days where you don’t feel like putting in the effort? Of course. But the next day, you have to get up and take care of yourself. Shower, put pants on, write/say positive affirmations in the morning, cook yourself a healthy meal, etc. Accept yourself, take care of yourself and love yourself everyday. Just like you have to put effort into a relationship with someone else, you have to put effort into the relationship with yourself. Because that is the most important one of all.
- Always be You
Don’t ever change what makes you, you. Positive changes are of course good. Maybe your partner and you are walking more often or making healthier meals together. Or maybe you are both working on the communication in your relationship. These are positive changes. But if you find your partner asking you to give up your favorite hobbies or asking you to end friendships, (non-toxic one’s of course) then that would be a negative change.
NEVER let someone dictate your life or try to change what makes you, you. And if your partner keeps trying to change you, then they don’t really love you. As harsh as it is to say, it’s true. When you are with someone, they fall in love with the person you are, not the person they wish you were. So if someone keeps trying to change you, then kick them straight to the curb. Because the person you are is special and unique. And you should love yourself enough to walk away from someone that doesn’t love and accept you for exactly who you are. Always be yourself and love yourself.
I hope this helps some of you couples who are quarantined together right now. And even if you are not in a relationship right now, I hope this gave you some good tips for when you are in a relationship. As always, thanks for reading. Feel free to leave a comment below about what you do to make time for yourself while still in a relationship.
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